Lifestyle Edition

It should not be ignored that San Francisco has a big history with homosexuality and alternative lifestyles.

Even if you try to ignore it, life has a way of (ahem) thrusting it in your face.

One block away from Caitlin’s apartment

So this edition of Reclaiming the Colonies will focus on California’s experience with discrimination and sexuality.

If you need further justification for discussing it, you should know that on the 20^th of September this year, America’s Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy on letting homosexuals join the military was repealed. Which means that if our glorious Queen is going to bring the United States back under British rule, we must be prepared to face an army of... glorious queens.

So let’s compare the discrimination scoreboard.

Same sex activity has been legal in England since 1967, which may seen quite late to let two consenting adults express affection for each other without the threat of imprisonment, however in some parts of the United States it was illegal until 2003 (and yes, of course it was Texas trailing behind).

Same sex couples can adopt since 2002 in England, whereas in the United States only about 50% of the states allow a same sex couple to adopt. Strangely though, in every state it is perfectly okay for a homosexual individual to adopt, because obviously one gay is only half as gay as two gays, and that is... better?

Same sex couples can get a civil partnership in England since 2005 (but still no sight of actual marriage), and the rules in the United States are... well here is a diagram that doesn’t explain anything but gives an idea of how patchwork the rules are.

  

Discrimination is confusing, but one day you’ll get the hang of it.

But England is still winning the discrimination Olympics, because MSMs (men who have sex with men) are not allowed to donate blood in England. Probably because officials are scared that it might result in a scenario similar to 28 Days Later.

That was a great documentary

California has a big history with homosexuality and rights, notable high points include the first openly gay couple on television in 1969...

... the formation of The Gay Nazi Party in 1974 (delicious, right?), legalisation of homosexuality in 1975, legalisation of same sex marriage in 2008, and the banning of same sex marriage in 2008. I promise that sentence is perfectly correct.

What happened you ask? Well let me take you by the hand (but not in a gay way) and lead you through California’s hazardous Proposition 8.

In May 2008 California’s Supreme Court (a panel of 7 judges) ruled that marriage is a fundamental right to United States citizens regardless of the genders involved, and that allowing same sex marriage does not affect the protections of opposite sex marriages.

A few weeks later, a public campaign for Proposition 8 was allowed to go ahead for public voting, and was successfully passed in November 2008. This Proposition provides that “only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognised in California”.

However, any same sex couples that got married between the times the Supreme Court made its decision and when the proposition was voted in by the public, got to keep their marriage licences, because the whole process is basically a circus.

And circuses are pretty gay

Now you can argue that in a democratic country, something like this should be decided on by a vote. However when the results are as close as 52% yes 48% no, it can also be argued that something like this should be decided on by a Supreme Court. But I’m not great at politics.  

Another issue is that the heaviest campaigns (and the most money for the campaigns) to push Proposition 8 through came from Catholics and Mormons, and there is an important debate to be had around how much religion should interfere with government. If homosexuals are allowed to get married, the Catholic God probably still won’t let them into Catholic heaven, so I’m not sure why Catholics are interested in politics at all.

Notably, people from outside the state of California are allowed to donate money for political campaigns that only affect California, meaning every Mormon in the state of Utah (1,600,000 of them) could donate money for TV advertisements like this-

Oh no! We might be forced to talk to our children about real world issues!

Good luck with the Santa Claus discussion, (he’s gay).

Over 43 million campaigns dollars was raised this way to ban same sex marriage in California. The only political campaign that year that resulted in more campaign money being thrown around was the actual presidential election. I hear you ask, what is the point of each state being allowed to choose its own laws if people from other states can affect the outcome so dramatically? Remember, the whole thing is a circus.

Fun Fact: there is nothing in the Catholic religion specifying that homosexuals cannot have sex. The Catholic religion states that homosexuals cannot get married, and that sex outside of marriage is a sin, so homosexual sex is a sin by default.

And the outfits are pretty gay

I would address the Mormon position, but doing so would validate them as a religion and institution. “But Dan, discriminating in a blog entry about discrimination undermines your points”, that may be so, but what you fail to appreciate is that I am a hypocrite. Oh Snap!

Please refer to above flowchart for proper use of Oh Snap!

The History Channel tells me that at one time in the past, America and Britain teamed up to give a big international punch in the face to someone who was persecuting  and discriminating people based on their lifestyles, lifestyles that caused no harm or inconvenience to anyone else. Now you think about that, because I have forgotten my point.

I will leave you with some photos of last weekend’s Folsom Street Fair, the largest annual leather street fair in the world, a San Francisco tradition since 1984. We had a lovely time.

WARNING: The below images may not be safe to view while at work.

I hope you appreciate all the time I spent checking those for background penises. And remember, America is all about the freedom to pursue happiness, whatever shape that might take, as long as you are not hurting anyone. Sexuality is one of the most important ways to pursue happiness, and it certainly doesn’t hurt anyone (apart from those guys who are getting whipped).

So keep the love America, otherwise the homosexuals are all welcome to come to England and boost the Queen’s economy.

Peace!

Eating, The American Way.

So now I have been able to relax in San Francisco and get more accustomed to the American way. And I must say, it has begun to soften me.

I was even willing to look past having to constantly pick hair out of my food.

Fistfulls of the stuff, how do you have any left on your bodies?!

Maybe these people have earned their independence, all on their own they invented  the airbag, napalm and scrabble. I was all ready to remove my iron boot from above this unsuspecting (yet simultainiously paranoid) nation, but then I saw this a few streets from Caitlin’s apartment-

Such... flagrant insolence! Using our own sweet Brown Ale against us, and what on earth is that huge billboard doing at street level?!

I wasn’t going to mention this, but at Christmas I beat Caitlin, her Dad and her Grandma at scrabble. That’s right, three generations of an American family got owned in one game (and as previously mentioned, their own game), and that is just the start America!

So this week I’ll focus on American food, in particular Californian food.

Firstly, San Francisco is surrounded by water, with the Pacific Ocean on one side and the bay on the other, sea food is a big deal here. Shrimp, crab and lobster are available most places and always come big and tasty.

Wikipedia tells me that San Francisco is 33% Asian, 20% are Chinese, which has a big impact on the cuisine here. The city is covered with Chinese restaurants, sometimes several on one block, and the competitive nature of a market that saturated means great food and great prices.

Fuse that eastern influence with the sea food aspect and there are some amazing sushi places all over the city. My personal favourite sushi dish is the Dragon Roll, which normally is made with rice, avocado, cucumber, eel and crab. It may also include sesame seeds, nori and wasabi. Plus I like showing off how good I am at using chopsticks.

Another important element is Mexican food, because until the mid 19^th century California was still part of Mexico. The way the economy is going America might have to sell it back to them.

I am a huge fan of Mexican food, particularly burritos and tacos, and it is really something that England is missing out on.

That is enough of the cultural angle, now for the roasting (food pun, get it?)

What is that you ask? Of course I have been here less than three weeks and already seen competitive eating! You can’t claim your food is better Britain’s if you don’t bother to taste it before swallowing it.

This photo has not been modified at all.

The sport of competitive eating is almost totally dominated by America and Japan (and yes it is an officially recognised sport), and as horrific as that sounds, a little innocent part of me can’t understand why we can’t resolve every international conflict this way.

Funny story, from 2001 to 2006, a young Japanese man Takeru Kobayashi dominated the annual hotdog eating contest that had been a Coney Island tradition for over three decades. Not to be outdone, the Americans made him compete against a 1,089 pound, 8 foot Alaskan Kodiak Bear. The bear was from Alaska so it totally counted. I’ll let you see how it turned out in this video; it is a real insight into American attitude towards sports and foreign diplomacy; use a bear!

One odd aspect of eating out in California, is that in every eating establishment there is this sign in plain view-

“Chemicals known to the state of California to cause cancer, or birth defects or reproductive harm may be present in foods or beverages sold or served here.” At first this was very alarming, but Caitlin was quick to reassure me that the government requires anywhere that uses a chemical from the list in Proposition 65 must display this sign. It just so happens that the list includes over 1,400 chemicals, including Mustard Gas, Lead, and good old fashioned Alcohol, so expect to see this terrifying sign anywhere you want to eat in California.

It isn’t all bad news; in America KFC offer catering!

There is just something beautiful about knowing that at any time I can order $899 worth of fried chicken and having one item appear on the receipt. If that photo doesn’t have great resolution, which includes 400 pieces of chicken, 15 gallons of side dishes and 200 buttermilk biscuits. This truly is the land of dreams... and awful, awful heart problems.

Finally, I would like to point out that a few streets away from the original Newcastle Brown Ale billboard I saw, there was a notice board, advertising pets, tutors, clubs and such. But one particular notice caught my eye...

Amy, out of the kindness of her heart (and upon payment of $150) will teach you how to prepare and eat your placenta after giving birth. She has only done this once before, but she is very excited about having the opportunity to poison you with your own dead insides!

Amy goes on to say that the placenta is a source of iron, B Vitamins and proteins, but I should point out that so are plenty of things that aren’t horrifying and disgusting.

I will absolutely take a Cornish pasty over that any day. Bon appétit.

Week 2: Monterey, Santa Barbara, Santa Monica, San Dieg

This week (29/08/2011) Caitlin and I went on vacation to San Diego, which is on the southern tip of California, bordering Mexico. We took Highway 1, which follows all the way down the coast of California, making for stunning views of the cliffs against the Pacific Ocean.

For a sense of scale, the road we took is about 595 miles long, and John O’Groats to Lands End is about 605 miles (in a straight line). Yes we are a small country but we have nukes too, and we decide what time it is everywhere, so WE decide when you go to lunch Mr. USA.

The road itself gives views such as –

And for about 200 miles I got to drive it, which is extra special for me as I only passed my driving test a few weeks ago. Although it was the English test, so I was driving on an unfamiliar side of the road in an unfamiliar side of the car on cliff edges with no safety barrier. You’d never get away with that in England, no barrier on a cliff road, the health and safety police would be on that like a... rockslide.

Also there were signs warning of rock slides. I have no idea what the purpose of those signs are, as if there is anything I would or could possibly do differently having acknowledged the sign. No matter, on with the road trip!

Monday we put the cats in the fridge (to keep them fresh) and drove to Monterey (B on the top map). Monterey is another coastal city, but very quiet and serene.  

That evening Caitlin and I walked down to the pier, which contained the usual overpriced waterfront nonsense such as lamps with seashells glued to them, picture frames with seashells glued to them, and seashells with seashells glued to them.

-with googly eyes, 500% profit margin, BAM!

Which, coming from a seaside town myself, naturally made me rather homesick.

However that night we found an amazing restaurant called ‘1833’, which had only been open for two months, and it was just what I needed. We ordered a pizza that brought tears to my eyes it was so beautiful:  lamb sausage, feta and roasted garlic.  The waiter told us the restaurant was originally a pharmacy (built in 1833), and run by a man who decided to call himself a pharmacist (with no qualifications) and who was so incompetent that most of his patients died under his care. The pharmacist later decided to call himself a doctor and lost even more patients, including the town’s mayor.  The ghosts still haunt the restaurant to this day....

Or something, I was busy eating.

Tuesday we drove to Big Sur, a National Park on the way to our destination, which covers roughly 4 square kilometres, which is popular for its massive redwoods.

Caitlin didn’t have the proper footwear, but we proceeded bravely on up the valley. We took an hour round-trip hike to Pfeiffer Falls, enjoying the valley views and exotic wildlife.

Left: a gorgeous blue bird I can’t be bothered to look up

Right: a hair scrunchie that Caitlin was certain was a snake skin

That evening we arrived at Santa Barbara (C on the top map), another coast city, and ate dinner on the harbour.

There isn’t much for me to write about Santa Barbara, as it was only somewhere to sleep on our way down the coast.  Although we did watch Top Gun in the hotel room, which absolutely counts as an authentic American experience. Danger Zoooooooooooooooone!

Wednesday we drove to Santa Monica, on the coast of Los Angeles (D on the top map), where we sunbathed next to the pier. And by sunbathed I mean I burned the back of my lily white British legs. The pier itself had an amusement park built around it which again reminded me of Southend.

Try to spot the ape dancing for tips, in the black tracksuit, in blistering temperatures.

Also Santa Monica’s pier also had a trapeze school, because...

Just because.

Afterwards we continued down the coast to San Diego, our destination (E on the map).  We met up with Danielle in Old Town San Diego for some very authentic Mexican food. And I mean that literally San Diego used to be part of Mexico, and certainly feels like it. If you got black out drunk on margaritas and bought souvenirs in Old Town, it would be very easy to convince yourself that you had crossed the border.

Thursday we spent enjoying the resort. It was a resort in a very literal sense, tennis courts, spa, three pools, and a harbour, all hanging out on its own peninsula.

We got a free room upgrade to be able to see the harbour from our terrace.

With optional gondola rides. Seriously.

I sat by the pool reading and drinking Mojitos all day.

That reminds me, I spied something I would very likely never see in England, a couple pushing a little white dog around in a baby-stroller. At a holiday resort. Talking to it. By the Adults Only pool. Both of them looking concerned, I can only imagine what they were thinking.

Her: I wonder if dogs need sun-screen...

Him: I wonder how much sun-screen I would have to consume to kill myself...

Although one extra cool addition was that the resort was right by Naval Amphibious Base Coronado, which meant that the resort also got free military air shows as they were training. Also for some reason one the buildings in the base are shaped like a swastika.

Busted, Jerry!

Friday we checked out of the hotel (after breakfast and piña coladas) and drove to meet Danielle at Del Mar beach, a little north of the resort where I picnicked and panicked about three recent great white shark sightings. However, I decided to face down Jaws and braved a play in the Pacific Ocean.

That evening was a real treat as Caitlin and I went to Balboa Park, which contains San Diego Zoo as well as multiple museums, galleries, gardens and theatres.

Two over the shoulder shots in one blog, touché Caitlin

Our particular target was The Old Globe theatre, where we watched an open air production of Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing, and I pretended to understand everything that was being said because it’s our language, damn it! It was absolutely brilliant, hilarious and a perfect ending to our vacation.

In some ways, I am Shakespeare in America.

Okay, in every way.

Saturday Caitlin drove us back from San Diego to San Francisco, using the much straighter Highway 5, which runs for hundreds of miles through dry yellow hills, which took eight hours. It was long, but we listened to Kenny Loggins so it was all okay. ROAD TRIP MONTAGE!

More next week campers! Danger Zooooooooone!